Conflict Resolution

My wife and I never fight—we have discussions.

At least, that’s what she calls them.

For the longest time, I believed a “healthy” marriage meant zero conflict. I thought that if we argued, it meant we were broken or doomed to become just another statistic. So when we had our first real disagreement, I panicked.

Part of that came from my childhood. I don’t recall seeing my parents argue much. Looking back, I know they must have had conflict—they just chose to handle it privately, away from me and my brother. That shaped my expectations, and without realizing it, I carried an unrealistic belief: conflict = failure.

Stack that with the sting of my first marriage ending, and I was primed to avoid conflict at all costs.

Looking back now, that was a mistake. And I share that openly because maybe that’s where you are right now.

The truth is, even the strongest marriages will face conflict. Disagreements aren’t a sign that your marriage is broken—they’re a sign that you’re human.

But what makes all the difference is how we handle those moments.

A marriage will always be a discussion between two people and there will be times when they don’t agree, be it where to send the kids to school, or even where to spend Thanksgiving. Something I’ve learned is not to build my life to avoid those moments but it is those moments where we can effectively strengthen our marriage. The trick is two things, one is how to have difficult conversations in a solution oriented way and the second is being able to ask for forgiveness and extend true forgiveness when errors are made in communication or emotion.

Which leads us to the question worth wrestling with - Are you going to be the chief forgiver in your marriage— or the chief avoider?

For the longest time (and still, if I’m honest), I leaned hard toward avoidance. It felt easier. Cleaner. Safer. But every time I avoided conflict instead of facing it with humility, the tension lingered longer than it should have.

The most painful moments in our marriage didn’t need to stretch on as long as they did.
If I had chosen radical forgiveness—instead of silence, shutdown, or passive frustration—those moments could have been resolved sooner, with less damage.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending everything is fine. It doesn’t mean ignoring the issue.
It means choosing grace over grudges. It means choosing to release instead of resent. And here’s the model we’ve been given: “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Jesus didn’t wait for us to apologize first. He didn’t hold it over our heads. He bore the cost—and freed us.

That’s our example. That’s our calling.

Questions to Consider:

1. What past conflict still lingers unresolved today?
2. How quick are you to offer forgiveness when hurt?