Losing Lexi: One Mother's Story of Grace in the Midst of Addiction and LossSample

“Lexi, you have all the help and support you could ever want right at your fingertips, but it just doesn’t seem like you are at the point where you are willing to completely surrender.” The counselor, a middle-aged woman who seemed to be the just the right balance of friendliness and firmness, leaned forward over her desk, looking Lexi straight in the eye.

It was a dark, blustery, cold December evening, and Christmas was right around the corner. We should have been feeling cheery and festive. But instead, our mood was as dreary as the dimly lit counselor’s office at Lexi’s outpatient treatment center.

For several years, we had been riding the roller coaster of substance use disorder with Lexi. For the past few months, we had been on a high – after weeks of not hearing from her, she had come to us ready to go to treatment. I had dropped everything and driven her thirteen hours to a center in Mississippi that accepted our insurance. But thirty days was all that insurance would pay. So, she moved back home and started CNA classes and outpatient therapy. Things had gone great for a while, but lately, red flags had been popping up that we couldn’t ignore.

“Are you ready, Lexi?” the counselor asked. “Because it has to come from you.”

The counselor looked at us sorrowfully, and it struck me that although she had asked Lexi the question, it may have been more directed toward us. Sorry, Mom and Dad, she has to want it. And at this time it is pretty obvious—she just does not want it!

We drove home in silence. It wasn’t an angry silence—it was a sad and solemn silence, an accepting silence. My husband and I both hugged Lexi when she got out of the car before she headed down to her room. We told her we loved her very much and would do anything to help her. The realization was sinking in—we were all victims of this awful disease, all in its merciless grip. Lexi was just as sad about it as we were. She truly didn’t want to go back to the drug lifestyle, but it was sucking her in regardless.

I don’t know if there is anything worse than watching someone you love go through something that you are completely unable to control. But that is the case with addiction. Sometimes, in life, we have to relinquish control. We do not have the power to change anyone’s heart. But God does.

To help us do this, my husband and I committed to the motto “Let God Work.” Whenever we were feeling frustrated over the hopelessness of our situation, we reminded ourselves to turn our situation over to the One who loves our daughter and holds her in His hand. The one thing we could always do was pray.

God, sometimes I am very hard-headed and insist on doing things my own way. Help me turn my life and my loved ones over to your loving arms. Help me know when I need to get out of the way and let you take control of the situation!