Losing Lexi: One Mother's Story of Grace in the Midst of Addiction and LossSample

Who could that be? I thought as I got up to answer the door. It was 9:30 at night. Our three teenage kids were all in their rooms, my husband was downstairs watching football, and I was getting things ready for school the next day. Lexi had moved back to Oklahoma to live with friends there. I had gone to see her two days before, and we had had a nice day together.

The police officer at the door made my heart skip a beat. When she asked for my husband, I stepped back, confused, and called to him down the stairs. What had he done?

“Are you the father of Alexa Darrah?”

I caught my breath and froze. She was injured in a car accident. Or had wound up in the hospital again because of her diabetes. Before I had any time to hope for another scenario, the words I could never imagine hearing reached my ears.

“I’m sorry to inform you that your daughter has passed away.”

The single moment in time that will forever mark the before and the after.

For a split second, I felt a huge relief rush over my body. No more worrying, no more sleepless nights, no more frustration at relapses, and no more constant anxiety about where she was or what she was doing. All of that was over. For a few seconds, I felt as if a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders, and I was light as a feather.

But the feeling didn’t last long. I was then hit with the realization that I would never see my beautiful daughter again–never hear her laugh, never listen to her sing off-key while strumming her guitar, never hear her excitedly tell me about her new favorite band or a good show she had watched. I would never get to watch her experience the next mission trip or job or relationship. It was incomprehensible.

God, I don’t understand!!!

I had been so certain God was going to heal Lexi from her struggle with mental illness and addiction and that she would use her experiences to help others. I thought for sure this current relapse was just a little bump in the road. God had preserved her life so many times before. Why not now? It didn’t make any sense. I felt betrayed by God.

I knew that all things work together for good and that everything that happens is for my good and His glory. But this? There was no way I could see any good in this. It was such a blow.

Isaiah 57:1 says, “Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come.” Could it be that God chooses to rescue some from their battles on this earth for their own good? Or perhaps He protects them from future sufferings they would have had to endure? Maybe God was protecting Lexi from a life of difficulties.

I don’t know. The bottom line is that I may never know. I had to trust the words of Scripture even though I could not understand them. Though my mind could not fathom how what was happening could in any way be God’s loving plan, I knew the promises of God’s Word were true. Always. I knew the Creator of the world somehow had me in His loving hands.

God, I’m so lost. I can’t think straight; I can’t think at all. My mind is searching for a way to make sense of this, but I keep coming up empty. I know that You are God and that You love me. Help that knowledge to be enough for me right now.