Losing Lexi: One Mother's Story of Grace in the Midst of Addiction and LossSample

Several months after Lexi passed away, I was rummaging through a drawer of old art supplies when I ran across a poem she had written.

from my eye, the sad tear fell

life in my hands wasn’t well

but from the outside, who could tell

even on the brightest days

my feelings were tucked away

all emotion bound to sway

life to me mattered no more

for it felt as if it was but a chore

blood from inside spilling on the floor

but even in my darkest time

still one light could brightly shine

the love of God, that was all mine.

The poem took my breath away. That’s exactly how I feel! It was as if Lexi had written a poem just for me, relating to my hidden sorrowful emotions and then reminding me of God’s love shining through.

For days, the poem haunted me. Why did Lexi have to suffer so? Why was she burdened with the disease of diabetes, and then, on top of that, mental illness and substance use disorder? She was such a fun, creative, spirited, and caring person. She didn’t deserve all of that! Now that Lexi was gone, all the bad “side effects” of addiction had disappeared. I was left solely with pity and sorrow for what she’d had to struggle through.

One day, as I was mourning and crying out to God, I suddenly felt a huge realization laid on my heart.

I know your pain. I watched my Son struggle, too.

The physical pain Jesus suffered was excruciating, but His emotional pain must have been even worse! He was rejected by His chosen people, betrayed by Judas, deserted by His disciples, and denied by Peter. Then, He was mocked, spat on, stripped, and executed.

God the Father had watched His Son struggle and suffer to the highest degree! And He not only watched it—He ordained it.

And I did it for you. Because I love you.

I felt the words press upon my soul and my tears of pain immediately turned to tears of wonder, awe, and gratitude as suddenly I began to grasp the enormity of what God had done for me. Never in my life had I experienced the feeling of such overwhelming love deep down in my soul.

What an amazing act of love from the Creator for His people. And when we believe in His Son and put our trust in Him, we are given eternal life. Our pain drives us to the arms of God, and His arms are full of love.

Heavenly Father, thank You for revealing yourself to me when I am at my lowest. Thank You for comforting me in Your loving arms. I am overwhelmed by Your willingness to watch Your Son endure pain out of love for me. Thank You for Your great sacrifice.