Losing Lexi: One Mother's Story of Grace in the Midst of Addiction and LossSample

The week after Lexi passed felt like an unrelenting hailstorm, hard things pelting me from every direction. These were the hardest things I had ever had to do in my life. Over and over and over, one right after the other. And this was just the beginning of the weeks, months, and years of forcing my way through hard things. From this point on, life would become hard.

I had to put on a brave face for the flood of people who began showing up at our door bearing casseroles, water bottles, and flowers, wanting to give us hugs and tell us they were sorry.

I had to go to Oklahoma to gather Lexi’s belongings and stand in the room where she had breathed her last breath.

I had to choose the last clothes Lexi would ever wear and the casket she would be laid to rest in.

I had to plan a celebration for the life of my daughter, but the one whose help I wanted most in planning it—the one who would have the best ideas, the most creative flair, and the perfect songs—was not around to plan it with me. The most important person, the guest of honor, was strangely absent from everything. How to plan her service?!

As my husband and I pondered how to honor our daughter well, her favorite verse came to mind. It was a verse that she had found when she was living in a dark place, Psalm 65:4: “Blessed is the one you choose and draw near to live in your house. We shall be filled with the goodness of your house, the holiness of your temple.”

“God chose me for good things!” she had excitedly told us. “I have to get out of this squalor!” She vowed to leave the drug lifestyle and make something of her life. She found a discipleship training program and, after completing the program, spent three months on the mission field in Nepal.

Now, we saw that verse in a new light. Because according to the verse, believers are chosen to live in His house and experience the holiness of His temple. Wow! That’s where she was, experiencing the goodness of heaven. God had used this verse from the Psalms to rescue her from darkness, and now He was using it to remind us where she was. Did mental illness and addiction hijack her brain? Yes. Did it result in a roller coaster lifestyle that didn’t always reflect her faith? Yes again. But we had seen her heart and knew that she loved God, and He loved her.

God provided the perfect verse to use at her service and to provide us comfort. And this was just one of the many ways He would provide for us throughout the days to follow. Because there were some dark days ahead.

In 2 Corinthians, Paul describes a despair that he and the other apostles felt when they were undergoing affliction in Asia. They were burdened beyond their strength and were despairing of life itself. But Paul says that the affliction made them “rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” In our deep suffering, we are forced to rely on God more than ever before, and God becomes closer and more real to us as He provides the comfort we so desperately need. The word comfort used here in Greek is paraklesis. This word means more than just a soothing sympathy. It involves a strengthening, a holding up, an empowering. And that is the comfort we receive when we stay close to God–a strengthening to get through every moment of every day, even when we are in the deepest despair.

Lord, sometimes in life, You give us more than we can handle, but that is when You provide what we need to get through. You lift and sustain us in ways that we don’t even see sometimes. Thank you for all the ways you take care of us and help us survive the impossible.